Nothing Stays the Same

As the long days of summer wind down,  kids everywhere are getting ready to go back to school, filled with a proportional mix of anticipation and dread. It means for them – amongst other things – homework again, new subjects to learn and new tests to study for.  They are undoubtedly thinking – “Who will my new teacher(s) be?  How will I have to behave to make a good impression?  How much will I have to study to get good grades?”

A child’s capacity to accept and adapt to change never ceases to amaze me.  As children, it is as universal a truth as the inevitable start of the school year.  It happens.  A lot.  Every September, children change teachers as they change grade levels.  Many even change instructors several times in a single day! They change friends, activities, and the foods they eat (well, some kids do that.) Because that change is expected, they can deal with it, perhaps even embrace it.  In the span of a semester, they size up their teachers, figure out the rules for getting good grades (i.e., the expectations behind homework and tests) and adapt.  It’s a recipe for success.  So why is it, that as adults, we forget this important life lesson?  Why do we think that voluntarily leaping into a different job or career is impossible?  Why do grownups get so trapped in complacency?

Even though those are a lot of whys, it all comes down to a few simple reasons. For starters, change is incredibly scary and disorienting.  It generally creates a buildup of anxiety within ourselves which we can’t eradicate through our typical coping methods (because we have deliberately taken away the familiar cues and footholds to which we would normally cling.) We have to find new ways to confront a problem or situation – which means, we have to use our brains, get creative, take a risk, and maybe make a mistake or two along the way.

There are two instinctual reactions to change, both harkening back to prehistoric times – fight or flight.  If we don’t fight, then we run or fly away from having to confront any real change in our situations.  We do this by ignoring what is happening, being passive, and refraining from making suggestions; in essence, we are cocooning ourselves as the proverbial ostrich does with his head in the sand.  (Actually, ostriches don’t do that – it’s all a myth – but as an adult, I refuse to change my beliefs about the bird.)  On the other hand, if we fight, we actively resist change by striking with negativity, destructive criticism, and sabotage. (Whoever thinks that ostriches don’t bury their heads in the sand must be pretty stupid.)

But don’t despair – what a lot of people don’t realize right away is that there aren’t just two reactions to facing up to change – there’s a whole range to choose from.  One of the more sophisticated ways to deal with it is to control it rather than have it control you.  By harnessing and guiding it, change can become a means to your goals, not a barrier to them.

When my clients are leaving a job, whether voluntary or involuntary, they generally experience the following emotional stages, similar to the grieving process:
•    Some shock and denial that the old routine must be left behind;
•    Anger that change is inevitable;
•    Despair and a longing for the old ways; and,
•    Acceptance of the new and a brighter view of the future.

Everyone works through this process; for some, the transition is mercifully quick while others, it is painfully slow.

Kurt Lewin, who is often recognized as the “founder of social psychology”, proposed a three-stage theory of change commonly referred to as Unfreeze, Change, and Refreeze.
During the first phase of this theory – unfreezing – people start bypassing their own constructed defense mechanisms, dismantling existing mind sets and overcoming inertia.

In the second phase – change – when the dust from phase one has yet to settle, people find themselves momentarily nonplussed; things are confusing and as a reaction, they shift into neutral gear. That is to say, they don’t move back to their comfortable old ways yet they haven’t started to move forward – they are unable to start anew. This in-between state is so full of uncertainty and confusion that simply coping with it drains people’s energies, and, as a result, they are driven to get out of it. Some rush ahead, leaping into (often any) new situations, while others back-pedal and retreat into the past. This is where the real energy of transition is found and real transformation takes place.

Once a person is able to move forward, the mindset is crystallized and stage three – refreezing – is established.  Comfort levels return, as people have adjusted to the new environment and their behavior reflects their adaptation; however, this can be disconcerting — it puts one’s sense of competence and value at risk.   For example, the new employee who is succeeding can feel like a fraud, will I be found out?

It is critically important during a period of change that people take stock of what they can control. It will reduce their stress, and the truth is, we can control much more than what we can’t control.
What we can control: how we behave or act, our thoughts, our choices, our contribution and performance at work, what we say to others, positive or negative input.
What we cannot control: decisions by top management, other people, consequences of our behavior or actions

If you are contemplating a change in your life, perhaps in your job, or career, marital status, location or anything else, here is some general advice:
    Recognize why you are uncomfortable
    Acknowledge that change is constant
    Keep your expectations realistic
    Use and grow your coping skills
    Exercise, even just a little (it helps keep stress levels down)
    Relax your body
    Calm Your Mind
    Hold that pose!  (See my last blog article.)
    Use distraction
    Use additional resources as needed
    Remain upbeat and positive
    Never become complacent
    Find out what’s waiting in the wings

Let’s use our kids or our own experiences as children as role models for coping with change. Buy new clothes for the first day, make your lunch, work through the stomach ache, listen and ask questions of your new teachers and come home excited about what lies ahead. If adults were to anticipate a new boss every year, wouldn’t we embrace it too?

“Nothing limits us except ourselves; for the truest aspect of every person is unbounded potential.” Deepak Chopra

Edited by Annie Wong

Working the Mommy Track

As Mother’s Day came and went this year, I thought about all the women I know, clients and friends alike, whose careers have been impacted by having children.  I’ve seen mothers struggling with career issues in many different ways – from stepping out of the work force, reducing to a part-time schedule, and transitioning industries – to accommodate their family life.

Working mothers face a bevy of practical issues surrounding their careers and families.  Should I re-launch my career?  Should I go back to school to learn new skills? Should I trust strangers to take care of my children while I’m at work? The resolutions to these questions are seldom 100% satisfactory or easy; most women go through a great deal of emotional conflict even if they know what they want to do.  We are bombarded with two, recurring and frustratingly contradictory messages:  “Go back to work, the economy is bad, households need to be dual income, husbands now do more to help, women can do it all!”, and,  “The first few years are critical to bonding, stay at home, make sacrifices, our mothers did and so should you!”  Society doesn’t help, since preschools close at 3:00 PM, school plays start at 10:30 AM, and teachers get out early for holidays — s anyone thinking about the working mother?

Nancy is a single mother of two children, ages 5 and 8. She works at least 40 hours each week, and finds time to juggle sports, class trips and doctors’ appointments, but her kids and other mothers want her on the PTA as well. It’s never enough. –Sorry Nancy,    whatever decision you make, it will always be your fault.  If a mother chooses to work instead of staying at home; if she decides to breastfeed her baby instead of using formula; if she chooses the cheaper diapers over the premium ones, the blame will rest on her.  The field of psychology has evolved and helps us understand that disappointment in our parents is a normal and healthy developmental process.  Theorists and psychologists have rightfully explained the idea of the “good-enough mother,” the imperfectly attentive mother who does a better job than the “perfect” one who risks stifling her child’s development.

Advice for working mothers abounds, of which the most usual kind run in the vein of:: Be confident; don’t be  intimidated if you are returning to the workforce after a long absence; evaluate your career options; try to take on consulting assignments; network and market yourself; channel family support; be aggressive. But is this the right kind of advice? I don’t think so.

It’s not that it’s bad advice, all of those tips are very good, but it just isn’t geared towards the segment of women who need it the most.  The women to which this advice would apply are probably already following it – they have a clear idea of what they want to do and how to get there.  The mothers who need advice are the women who have stopped working after their children are born, and, whose entire identify is centered on being “Jake’s mom” or “Brian’s wife”; while they love the family members they take care of, they want to be more than an extension of someone else’s character.  The problem is (and this is where they need help and support), they have absolutely no idea where and how to begin. These women are emotionally stuck.  I can relate it to the Yoga Obstacle #8 Alabdha-bhumikatva: Being victims of our own discouragement. We become victoms when we perceive failure. Women who choose to stay home haven’t failed professionally, yet the workforce seems foreign, out of reach.   These women have to start by re-defining themselves, thinking about their full identify and slowly getting reinforcement and recognition from external places outside the home. Be aware that this can be an arduous long process and should not be misunderstood as failure.

Hold that Pose! How do principals of yoga relate to career growth?

Instructions: Take your left leg and cross the left thigh over the right. 2. Hook the left foot around the right calf. 3. Bring the arms out in front. 4. Cross the right arm over the left and bring the palms to touch. 5. Lift the elbows while keeping the shoulders sliding down the back. 6. Hold 5-10 breaths. 7.  Repeat on the other side.

This is called the Eagle Pose in Yoga. Why do I describe the instructions to you? Because I stood in yoga class last week, and tried this pose, and tried again. My foot kept going back to the floor when I wanted it to stay up. My arms came down as I struggled to keep my foot up.  And then the instructor said something so profound that I thought everyone struggling with career transitions and job searches ought to hear it too.

“Hold the pose, even though your body will naturally want to go back to the most relaxed state possible.  But if you hold the pose, this will become easier to do.”

There I stood precariously balanced on one foot, playing a one-person game of Twister, and desperately wanting to put my other foot on the floor.  What benefit would I have to keep it up in the air?

Like me in yoga class (but with infinite more grace), when it comes to their careers, a majority of my clients are consistently going back to their most relaxed state.  They’re searching for jobs on the Internet when it might be more advantageous to network; or, unconsciously choosing the same kind of boss and end up repeating troubled relationships from the past; or, taking jobs that don’t intellectually challenge them.

Just as the Eagle Pose requires concentrated physical efforts to attempt, career transition, finding new patterns and ways of doing things also require concentrated mental efforts.  No doubt it is very hard work; initially, our bodies (and minds) will resist it, but the benefits of holding the pose are tremendous.  You’ll find the more you hold the pose, the easier it becomes.  In yoga, as in life, if you commit to practice, determination, and, an occasional pain, it can bring you one step closer to our occupational goals.

Yoga has nine major obstacles that are widely recognized. In order to make the most of yoga, you need to be aware of the obstacles that will attempt to disrupt your journey. We have a lot to learn from this practice if we apply these to our career journey – we can have much more satisfying work lives!

Yoga Obstacle 1 – Vyadhi: Mental or physical illness
Yoga Obstacle 2 – Styana: An advanced state of apathy

Yoga Obstacle 3 – Sanshaya: Concerns doubting the benefits of practicing yoga at all

Yoga Obstacle 4 – Pramada: When lack of persistence and will tries to take hold
Yoga Obstacle 5 – Alasya: A lazy and inert state of mind and body
Yoga Obstacle 6 – Avirati: Letting go of materialism
Yoga Obstacle 7 – Bhrantidarshan: Misunderstading your path: be clear and realistic about goals
Yoga Obstacle 8 – Alabdha-bhumikatva: Being victims of our own discouragement
Yoga Obstacle 9 – Anawasthitatwa: Not being able to hold higher level of consciousness, which results in your disappointment

It is possible to surpass these obstacles in  your life and  career. It’s important to focus on one issue at at time and not allow any obstacle to grow in power. When clients feel discouraged about not being able to find the job they want, I encourage them to go from saying, “Will I get what I want?” to, “When will I get what I want?” Commitment to the goal, holding the difficult pose and working through the obstacles and discomfort are key. Whether it is a yoga pose or a career move, we all need someone to tell us that “you absolutely can do this totally impossible thing most human beings can’t do, you just don’t think you can.”  It is the power of the mind that will help us commit to a goal, believe in it, and ultimately, achieve it.

Written collaboratively by Ilana Levitt & Donna Sweidan